I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
