Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
