so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
