My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
