Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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