I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
