Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
