it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
