My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
