dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
