i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My dick has a subreddit
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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