so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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