I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I accidentally burped into my bong.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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