Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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