We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My butt remains clenched, sir.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
