ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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