There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
