i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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