I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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