Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
