he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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