Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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