Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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