M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
