My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
