conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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