Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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