I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
