i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
