We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
