i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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