Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
