you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
