If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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