Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
