Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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