i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's never too late to be topless.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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