hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You are a genius and a whore.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
