I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
