Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
