i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
