I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
