If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
