If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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