and she was petting her beer can
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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