did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
