fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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