you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
