her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We need to get me chipped asap
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
