Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
