There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
