My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
